


Here is the Place Where I Love You

by SC_Kilmartin



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:26:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1170868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SC_Kilmartin/pseuds/SC_Kilmartin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is how Katniss's feelings for both the important men in her life shift, and how I believe she ultimately falls in love with Peeta. It is focused on her own discovery of love throughout the series starting with Catching Fire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Convince Me

_Convince me._  The words ring in my head long after he leaves this decadent home.  _Convince me._  How am I supposed to convince President Snow of my supposed love for Peeta when I don't even know how to deal with love myself?

But now here I am, forced to deal with something so trivial when so much more is weighing on me. All the horrors I have seen and endured are constantly plaguing my thoughts. How can I protect my mother and Prim? How can I make a better life for the starving in my district? How can I do any of that when I'm not even allowed to think about moving forward? President Snow is making sure of that. I have to think about Peeta, only about Peeta and how to save us both. And our loved ones.

 _This will only make things worse with Gale._  The thought flickers across my mind. After the morning we had, the disagreement that ended with him kissing me. Things have been tense with him lately. My best friend is acting like I am a complete stranger. I'm sure my display in the games with Peeta has embarrassed and upset him quite a bit. But he needs to grow up and realize there are much bigger things at stake, especially after Snow's revelation of his knowledge of my kiss with Gale. I know I'm hurting him, but I can't even begin to consider how I feel about him. He knows how much I care for him. Isn't that enough? He's my best friend. He's the person I have felt closest to for my whole life. But I honestly don't have time to deal with our relationship like I know he wants me to. Why can't he understand? I don't get that luxury, not in my position.

The Victory Tour is my last shot. Snow made that very clear. Peeta and I have to smile and be convincingly in love. But how? Ever since we got back from the games things between Peeta and I have been awkward. We barely speak. The only time we see each other is around Haymitch. We're always polite. But it's just that. Not nearly close enough to the desperately in love teenagers who almost ate poison berries to save each other. I don't know how to fix it. As everyone always seems to point out, I'm terrible with people. That is Peeta's area of expertise.

I have to somehow get through this last round of torture before I'm home free. Well, of course not home free. The nightmares will probably never stop and the scars and pain will never go away. But at least Prim and my family and all those I love are safe. I will just have to take that and run with it.

I wake up the next morning to a home invasion, Effie and her crew barge straight into my house. But I can't be mad because I know following straight behind them is Cinna. I am so happy to see him even though I know this means that I have a lot of tugging and painting ahead of me. He is the only person from the Capital I really trust. He's different. He represents support and strength for me. I don't realize how comforting his embrace will be until I am enveloped in it.

Cinna's assistants get me all dolled up into a ridiculously exaggerated version of myself. If the Capital wants a look at the real me, then they should shoot me in ragged clothes with no make up. Just the way I like myself. All this makeup, clothes, and hair does is make me feel like I'm part of the enemy. Like they somehow are under my skin. I feel sick. Effie can see the frown on my face as she announces "Show time!" She begs for, "Chins up, smiles on!" in her unbelievably cheery voice. Then I am pushed out of the house, perfectly timed to Caesar's voice.

But he isn't there, just a creepy high-tech camera that possesses an almost human-like quality to it. It snakes around and I can see the lens shifting focus. But it looks to me more like peering and hungry human eyes then a lens. My attention is snapped away from the robot camera and back into focus as I vaguely hear Peeta's name announced.  _Focus_ , I coach myself.  _Convince them you're in love._  Convince  _him_  you're in love. I'm sure I have a slightly creepy forced smile on my face as I start to walk towards Peeta. But I hide it in our embrace, knocking him to the ground.  _Be in love._  I swoop down to kiss him, trying to forget the cameras for a moment and make it look natural. Peeta is right there, no half-hearted kiss. He is just solidly there, even after all the awkwardness between us.  _I_ _can do this_. Caesar cuts into our act with some laughs and questions. Peeta helps us both up. I am determined. My smile turns genuine as I attempt to sweetly answer Caesar's questions. My mom even jumps in with her own subtle protest to me having a boyfriend. I internally thank her. It can help explain Peeta and I's lack of contact in the past few months. Peeta is witty and crowd pleasing as always. Maybe we can do this. Maybe we can convince him.

And then its over. The camera shuts down and Caesar's voice is gone. Suddenly, Peeta and I are all alone. I have almost forgotten the awkward demeanor that we have had towards each other since returning from the games. But, as Peeta opens his mouth to speak, its back as if it had never left.

"That was some nice acting, Katniss," I can hear the slight bitterness in his voice. But maybe I can play it off.

"You too," Is the smoothest reply I can come up with, maybe it will be enough.

"I almost thought that kiss was real." Peeta's words sting me. The topic of Peeta's feelings for me has been something, unlike Gale, that has not been said out loud in private. I haven't had to deal with it. So I have chosen to ignore it, hoping it will go away. But with Peeta's last statement he finally confirms aloud what we both really know is true. He is hurt by my unintentional rejection, and me making things awkward between us has not been helping. As he walks away, I find myself slightly wounded. He's a nice guy; we have been through a lot together. I didn't mean to hurt him. But even when I try to do the right thing, that's what always seems to happen.


	2. No More Secrets

Effie prattles on the entire train ride on the way to our first stop on the victory tour, District 11. I am plagued with thoughts of Rue, knowing where we are headed. How can I even begin to face her family and loved ones when I couldn't save her no matter how hard I tried? It will kill me every day until the day I finally die. She was such a special girl, taken away from all those who love her way too young. How can people stand by and watch the death of such innocence?

"…Wave to the crowds and enjoy your time in the spotlight, enjoy it…" My head snaps up from my thoughts. Can Effie really be serious!?  _Enjoy it!?_

"What did you just say?" I say in an eerily level voice.

"Katniss…" Peeta warns.

"I said enjoy it, Katniss, you've earned it." Effie is clearly more upset that I interrupted her speech than anything else.

"By killing people!" I shoot back and storm off. She can't be serious. How can anyone be so oblivious and cut off from what is really going on? We are being paraded around as both murders and survivors to the poor grieving families of each district. And all to prove some stupid point, for perverse capitol amusement, that is ancient and irrelevant.

I run all the way to the back of the train and sit down in the empty carriage, happy to have my space. This is all a bit too much to handle. I thumb my mockingjay pin between my fingers. It reminds me of Rue, and of Prim, and of home. The sliding door to the carriage opens.  _Great, time for a lecture from Haymitch._

"I'm not really in the mood for a lecture, I'll apologize to Effie later." I say, hoping that will be enough to get him to go away. But it isn't Haymitch, it's Peeta.

He sits down next to me with his hands folded in his lap, staring at them, "You don't have to apologize to anybody, including me." He looks up at me. "I know it's not fair of me to hold you to things you said in the games. I knew you had something with Gale. You saved us, I know that. But I can't go on acting for the cameras then just ignoring each other in real life. So if you can stop looking at me like I'm wounded, then I can quit acting like it. And then maybe… we have a shot at being friends." He seems to have had that whole speech prepared, like it was something weighing on him for a long time.

I open my mouth to respond but all that I can come up with is, "I've never been very good at making friends." Is this really something he wants to start with me? He must know I hurt everyone around me even when I try not to. But he's right. We need to be friends. We need to be a united front if I want to have any chance of surviving this tour and pacifying Snow.

"For starters, it does help when you know the person. I hardly know anything about you except that you're stubborn and good with a bow."

I crack a small smile, for the first time in a long time. "That about sums me up."

"No, there's more than that, you just don't want to tell me."

"It's like I said I'm…." I try to respond. I really have no idea what to say to him.

"See Katniss the way the whole friend thing works is you have to tell each other the deep stuff." He persists.

"The deep stuff?"

"Yeah, the deep stuff."

"Uh oh like what?" I respond, half-jokingly.

"Like uh…what's your favorite color?" He asks.

"Well, now you've stepped over the line." I joke back. We both laugh. It's natural, this banter. It makes me feel like this might actually be able to work.

"Seriously though, what is it?"

"Green." I give him a small smile. "What's yours?"

"Orange."

 _Orange... Really?_  "Like Effie's hair?" I joke.

"No." He laughs a bit. "Not that orange. More like a sunset kind of orange."

Before we can continue the train goes into a tunnel and something catches my eye. Red graffiti on the wall. It looks almost like a bird. A mockingjay? But before I can examine it, just as quickly as it appeared, it vanishes.

"Did you see that?" I ask Peeta, sitting up on the window edge to see if I can get another glimpse.

"What?" He hasn't been paying attention I guess.

"Whoa." Peeta gets up and walks over closer to the window as we emerge from the tunnel. We have entered a heavily guarded military base. Tanks and guards are everywhere. There are huge stone buildings, like prisons. And barbed fences lining the whole place. And so many people. A lot more than I have ever seen in a district. I had guessed that they had a lot of citizens from footage of reapings and what Rue had told me. But that didn't even make a dent in the reality.

As the train pulls up to 11's station, we are ushered into an armored vehicle.  _Are we in danger here?_ There are so many peacekeepers. Effie drawls on about the speeches that she has written for us on the ride over, but I'm distracted. This is the stop I have been dreading the most. I don't know how I am going to make it through this. As Effie goes to hand us the cards Peeta takes them and turns to me, catching my attention.

"I can do the talking if you want." He looks straight at me with a sympathetic look. I can see that he truly understands how difficult this is going to be for me with Rue. It means a lot.

"Thank you." I say earnestly.

The tank pulls us straight up to the square. We are directed onto the stage and introduced. I try not to shake as I spot Rue's family under the giant portrait of her. I will myself not to cry. Not here.

As promised, Peeta starts to deliver our speech. I am pulled out of my thoughts when I notice him start to go off script. I turn to look at him and watch in appreciation as he gives a heartfelt and wise speech about Rue and Thresh and what they meant and did for us in the games. It is almost like a eulogy. It's just what Rue deserves. She doesn't deserve some mechanical speech that is dripping with Capital agenda.

His speech fills me with courage. How can I leave 11 without saying anything about my friend? So I take a deep breath and step up to the podium. "I didn't know Thresh. I only spoke to him once. He could've killed me, but instead he showed me mercy. That's a debt ill never be able to repay. " I have to pause a bit, preparing to speak of Rue. How can I sum up such a courageous girl and all the things she did for me? I glance over at her mourning family and realize I have to try. "I did know Rue. She wasn't just my ally; she was my friend. I see her in the flowers that grow in the meadow by my house, I hear her in the mockingjay song, I see her in my sister Prim. She was too young, too gentle and I couldn't save her. I'm sorry. " I can tell my words have reached her mother. It isn't much, but it means something. A small repayment for a debt I can never repay.

An elderly man in the crowd whistles our song and raises his left three fingers in the air, a sign of respect and support in District 12 and my final goodbye to Rue in the arena. Then all the salutes start rising up out of the crowd. Suddenly it's chaos. The peacekeepers descend, dragging the old man out of the crowd and dragging me away. I struggle my hardest, flailing and kicking about, to get out of their grasp. I'm screaming for mercy and begging for this man. How could I have done this? I didn't mean it. I only meant to respect Rue. My begging turns to cries as they drag me inside. Just as they are shutting the doors I see them shoot the man straight in the head. I give out a strangled gasp and fall to the floor.

Haymitch drags Peeta and I upstairs.

"What the hell happened back there?" Peeta gasps, looking around frantically as if the answers will appear out of thin air. Haymitch nods for me to tell Peeta about Snow's threats. I should've confided in Peeta ages ago, not just Haymitch. But I didn't know how. Peeta is so kind and things had been awkward between us. I didn't know how to approach the subject.

But now I have no choice. So I tell him everything, even the kiss with Gale. I tell him about how much danger we are in. I tell him of Snow's threats. I feel so sick when I've finished. Peeta is fuming.

Peeta butts in, anger and frustration in his voice. "You know, Katniss, you should've told me that before I went out there and tried to give these people our money. This has to stop! All these secrets between you and Haymitch, leaving me out because you think I'm too weak or stupid to handle them!"

I turn to him, half desperate and half angry. "It's not like that Peeta! I'm sorry I didn't know what to do. He threatened to kill my family." He seems so frustrated with me. I feel the first step forward in our relationship being thrown out the window and I can't tell if I'm angry with him or myself.

But it is clear Peeta is angry with me, "I have family too, Katniss! Okay, people that I need to protect! After all we went through together in the arena don't you think I deserve the truth from you?"

"Peeta you're just too good. We weren't trying to keep secrets from you. We were trying to protect you. But you're right. We were wrong." I try to amend things with Peeta. We really do need each other to get through this.

Haymitch sighs, "From now on you'll be fully informed."

"I better be." Peeta growls then walks out on us.

Later that evening Peeta and I are ushered into the grand dinning hall in the justice building of District 11 for a feast in our honor. Peeta and I sit down for dinner at the head of the table and the musicians start to play. Peeta reaches over to hold my hand and in doing so leans in to speak to me more privately. "Haymitch says I was wrong to yell at you. It isn't as if we haven't kept things from you in the past."

He is right, not that I would hold that over his head with our relationship on eggshells. He didn't exactly let me know he was going to confess his love for me in front of all of Panem in the interviews last year.

I smile at him. "There is no point in us keeping secrets anymore. There is no reason not to be straight with one another."

"No point," Peeta echos. He pauses for a minute before asking me, "Was that really the only time you kissed Gale?" I'm taken aback by his question. Out of all the trauma we've endured today was that really the one thing I told him that stuck.

Regardless I answer him, after taking a moment to reel in my shock. "Yes."

Peeta leans back up to speak to the people around us, putting on his charm and smile. And so the cycles begin.


	3. Victory Tour

Throughout the tour Peeta reads most of the cards aloud with poise. And I put on my best smile, holding his hand. If I'm honest it's more for support than for show. We end every speech with a kiss. In those kisses is relief, relief that we are done for the day. It means we are able to go hide and cry in private, giving us time to muster up our strength for the next show. Some people scream at us in anger. We have to stay composed. Some audience members show small signs of rebellion; those are difficult speeches to power through as we watch the peacekeepers drag the offenders off. But Haymitch is always right there with a nod of support. Once a little girl told me she admired me and wanted to volunteer also. That was the most difficult. I am a murderer; I'm no one to be admired. And I certainly don't want to be glorified. That defenseless girl shouldn't willingly give up her life for nothing. That is the hardest thing I have to deal with on the tour.

That night after District 7, I find myself having even worse nightmares than I normally do. And that is saying something. I dream of Rue and of Prim and of that little girl. All the young defenseless tributes that I can't save, who have no choice and die too young. I wake up screaming and sweaty, gasping as I sit up in my dark room. Before I can even process where I am Peeta bursts through my door looking absolutely terrified. The look in his eyes brings me back to the end of the arena for a moment, being fearful for each other. "It was just a dream, I'm sorry." I feel so awful that I have woken him, but even worse that I have scared him.

"Its okay, I get them too." Peeta confides. I look at him and think  _how selfish am I._  Of course he is battling the same demons and is drudging through the same difficult existence. He turns to leave, "Goodnight."

I feel weak and desperate and scared as I watch him leave, the only person who really shares my pain and understands. Before I can stop myself I find the words slipping out of my mouth, "Peeta…will you stay with me."

He walks back to me with a knowing and soft expression on his face, "Yeah." He sits down on the bed next to me and pulls me into his chest. It's warm and it feels comfortable and safe. Before I can feel awkward or embarrassed at the weakness and inappropriate nature of my actions, I am soothed to sleep.

After that night, Peeta and I start working even more as a team. I think we seem more in sync. In District 5 we spend the whole dinner party dancing and kissing. In District 6 we come up with the brilliant plan to "attempt to sneak away together for a private moment".

And not a single night for the rest of the victory tour is spent alone. I let Peeta come into my bed every night. We keep each other safe just like we did in the arena, cuddled up together. Some nights I think of Gale.  _What would he think?_  But, it is an unspoken agreement that the comfort that Peeta and I bring to each other in sleep isn't something we are willing to give up. Anything to lessen the nightmares. Effie is not pleased. She lectures us endlessly about appearances, but it doesn't bother me.  _I hope this gets back to Snow._

The night following the riot, we have to endure in District 3, Peeta and I start to discuss what has been going on. Hauled up in the privacy of my room I feel the courage to speak. "This is getting out of hand." I confess to Peeta. "I don't know if we can fix this."

Peeta looks at me, pondering this. "I know. After that graffiti we saw on the walls in 3 today I'm struggling to figure out what more we can do." I know Peeta is referring to the 'the odds are never in our favor' that was smeared across a wall in red.

Peeta can see that I am wrestling with my thoughts, "Let's go to sleep, we're going to need our rest for the career Districts. We'll figure out a way. But for now, just sleep." With that he snuggles down and pulls my head into his chest, as normal. Within a few minutes he's asleep. But I can't quite seem to quiet my head.

Haymitch pulls us down for a lecture the morning after the riot in 3. "Snow is watching us. If he wants you to pacify the districts, I promise you, he is not happy. Instead of being in love you two sound like you're reciting stuff from a drilling manual."

"You try saying that stuff that Effie writes us." Peeta says, looking down and defeated. This is wearing on all of us.

"Tell that to President Snow when you see him TWO days from now." Haymitch snaps back.

"We're open to suggestions." Peeta retorts.

"We could get married." I say quietly. I had been thinking on it since last night, after Peeta had fallen asleep. I am terrified. Nothing we are doing is working. We have to go bolder to prove to the districts, and to Snow, that Peeta and I are committed. The only thing I could think of was marriage. And after the riots in 3 yesterday, I am sure this is our last possible move.

"You aren't helping." Haymitch clearly isn't taking what I am saying seriously.

I look straight at him prepared to show him my point, "I'm serious. If, like you said, we're on this train forever it's going to happen eventually. Why not now?"

Haymitch nods his head, chewing over the idea for a brief second. "It does make a statement, I'll give you that." He looks over at Peeta, making me turn to him too. Peeta has been sitting really quietly.

"Yeah, sure, let's do it." He says monotonously then gets up and walks out of the compartment.

My brows furrow, he seems almost angry. A few weeks ago I would've ignored the problem. But not now, not when we've become a support system for each other. We've become friends.

I struggle with what to do for a minute then I get up to follow him.

I find him in the last compartment. "This seems to be the storm off destination." I try to joke with him, but he doesn't speak. He only turns to acknowledge me. "Peeta, what's going on?" I thought I had come up with a good solution to save our families. I thought he would be happy.

"Forget it, Katniss. I just need some time alone." Peeta sighs and looks down.

I should just drop it, but I can't. We have made so much progress. He is my friend. He isn't allowed to get mad at me when I am trying to help, then not explain it.

"I don't know what your problem is. I was trying to help. Don't you want to save our families?!" I get worked up; this is just too frustrating.

Peeta jumps up, no longer being passive. "Of course I do, Katniss!"

"Then what's the problem?" I ask again, not backing down.

"You can't just throw around marriage like that!" As soon as it left Peeta's fuming mouth I can see his anger diffuse and embarrassment replace it. I'm sure my own face holds the same expression. We look away and both stare down at our feet for awhile.

Peeta breaks the silence by sighing and sitting back down, "I'm sorry, Katniss. I'm just tired. And you were just trying to help us."

"Its okay. Let's go to sleep. It's been a long day." And that is that. The subject is dropped and we head off to sleep.


	4. Judgment Day

“I look ridiculous” Peeta laughs as we wait in the main room of our capitol suite for Effie to be finished getting ready. Peeta is of course referring to the ridiculous getups we have been dressed in for the event tonight. Cinna, Portia, and their teams have just finished dressing us for our party tonight in the Presidential Palace. Finally, our last night of torture before we get to go home.

I am dressed in this warrior styled black gown. I have no idea how I am supposed to walk in this thing, or run. My makeup is caked on so much it almost hurts and I can barely see out of my eyes past the red and black. But I definitely have it better then Peeta. He is in this very boxy, uncomfortable looking suit. His hair is gelled back to match the shape of his suit almost. And they have caked some smoky make up on him too. We look absolutely ridiculous.

"Yea, you look like a sliver mine." I tell him, and we both start laughing.

Effie walks in. “Come on you two! I’m so glad to see you in good spirits for the party. Anyone who’s anybody is going to be there! You’ll get to speak to all the style icons, celebrities, past and present gamemakers. Oh, and President Snow himself of course!” Effie prattles on, but her words wipe the smiles from both Peeta and I’s faces. Effie’s words are a stone reminder of what tonight really is. Socializing with capitol members, being paraded around as heroes, and most terrifying of all our judgment day. Did we actually convince anyone that we’re in love?

Effie ushers us out and towards the party, continuing to prattle on and on about how we should act and what we should do. Peeta and I walk in stone-faced, this is a giant nightmare. The moment we are spotted people more ridiculously dolled up then us descend upon us, with huge creepy smiles on their faces. Some are baring cameras and flashing in our faces. I try to put on my best smile as we fight our way through the crowd. There is only room to walk single file because everyone is closing in on us. At some points I have to turn sideways to fit. I look back at Peeta and he takes my hand. Everyone awes around us and keeps on snapping more photos. But it isn’t for them. It’s for support. We need each other to get through this night. Even Peeta’s immense social skills can’t keep up with this assault on us.

Effie tours us around the whole palace. It is quite a spectacle. People are dancing around fire and hanging from ceilings. Effie seems to know everyone. Peeta and I stay composed, arm in arm, as she drags us around to meet everyone. 

Finally she lets us be outside in the courtyard. We both take a breath we didn’t know we’d been holding and look at each other and laugh. Before we can say or do anything though, a flamboyant man shoves a plate of food in Peeta’s face. But neither of us can eat any more we’re too full. So the man tries to hand us a glass full of pink liquid that, apparently, will make us sick so we can go on eating.

Peeta stares for a moment, and then recovers with a smile. “I think it’s time for a dance. Katniss.” He whisks me away and onto the dance floor. Thankfully Peeta always knows what to do and say to help us escape.

He pulls me into him and we start to dance. Finally, we get some time to breath and some privacy from this nightmare. “People are starving in 12 and these people are throwing food up just to stuff more in.” Peeta is clearly disgusted and so am I. All I can think of is starving as a child and watching Prim starve before I was old enough to do anything about it.

Of course Peeta and I can’t have five seconds to breathe before Effie comes bustling over to introduce us to yet another person I don’t want to talk to. She is simply bursting this time as she gestures to an older man of stalky build with white hair. He isn’t extravagant like the others. He actually seems like a simple man. “Katniss! Peeta! This is Plutarch Heavensbee, Head Gamemaker, and successor to Seneca Crane. ” I can’t stop my smile from dropping. Cynical bastard!

“That’s a tough act to follow.” Peeta levels. I turn to him and give him the smallest smile. I am proud. He is being sarcastic and sticking it back to them. Maybe my attitude is rubbing off on him.

Effie gasps, “Peeta!” She looks nervously back and forth from Peeta to Plutarch. But Plutarch just starts laughing.

Then he points straight at me like I am some sort of object. “May I?” He asks Peeta. I will myself to stay calm and be good.

“Just don’t get too attached to her.” Peeta moves out of his way. _Damnit Peeta._

Plutarch pulls me onto the dance floor and starts to waltz with me. I look everywhere but at his face for as long as I can, trying to forget who he is. A murderer, an organized murderer. Plutarch proceeds to chat me up with strange banter about the Games and what they mean to him while I try my hardest to be polite. And I have to try very hard. Thankfully I’m not forced to keep the act up for too long. We are interrupted by the announcement of the President's speech.

Everyone claps and cheers. Effie ushers Peeta and I over to the spot in the courtyard where we can best see Snow's Presidential Welcome.

“Do you think we convinced him?” Peeta nervously leans in towards me as we walk towards the gathering area.

“I’m not sure what else we can do.” I tell him, trying to comfort us both as we nervously go through the motions of clapping for President Snow’s welcome.

I hold onto Peeta’s arm tightly as President Snow speaks. Eerie chills roll down my spin as he glances at me during his speech. I’m not hearing what he’s saying. I only study his face for some sign that our efforts have been good enough. But as the fireworks burst around us at the conclusion of his speech I see President Snow grimly shake his head. I wasn’t good enough. And now I can only imagine the horrors in store for us, and our families. I want to break down and cry, but I refuse to show Snow weakness.

I squeeze Peeta’s arm. “Peeta.” I breathe out not trusting my own voice. “We need to get out of here. Please.”

Peeta is on it in a flash. He finds Effie in the crowd and pulls her aside. “Effie, Katniss and I are quite tired from all the excitement of the night. We’re going to retire back to the suite and get some sleep.” 

“Peeta, I simply can’t allow that. You’ve barely been here. It’s quite rude! This is a party for you two afterall. Besides, you may be engaged, but it would be highly inappropriate of me to allow you two to go back without a chaperone.” Effie lectures us. Great, we will never escape this nightmare.

“Effie, let the kids go back. They’ve been here long enough. I’ll chaperone them.” A slightly drunk Haymitch comes to our rescue. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see him.

Effie ponders this for a moment, “Well, alright fine. It won’t reflect poorly on me. But just say…” Before Effie finishes her sentence I roughly pulled Peeta away and start high tailing it out of there.

Once we reach the outer gate I lose it a bit. I start yanking at my shoes, which have been killing my feet all night, trying to pull them off. As I struggle the heel gets caught on my dress and tears apart the whole bottom. I collapse on the ground and rip my killer heels off and fling them across the grass in aggravation, both at the shoes and the situation I’m currently in.

“Whoa Katniss! Maybe you should’ve brought those into the arena. You just missed my head.” Peeta laughs. Then he notices me fighting back tears of fury. “Katniss, what’s wrong?”

“We couldn’t do it Peeta. I couldn’t do it. Snow didn’t believe us.” I scream tugging at my hair in anger and to keep from breaking down completely into tears.

“What do you mean? How do you know that?” Peeta looks shocked, sitting down next to me.

“He shook his head at me at the end of his speech. His meaning behind it was crystal clear.” I tell Peeta. A stern look still occupies my face, but tears start to spill. Peeta pulls me in tight as I shake, not because I’m crying so hard, but because my whole body is bursting with shame and fear. Even though it isn’t due to the cold, Peeta takes his metallic jacket off and puts it over my shoulders.

“Katniss.” He turns my face to him. “I promise you it’s going to be okay. He won’t hurt our families I promise. We won’t let him.” Even though we both know Peeta’s words are a lie, they’re comforting.

“Screw the capitol.” Peeta whispers. I have never heard him speak so outright. “Screw them and their rules, and their cruelty, and their food, and their stupid-ass makeup and dresses. Screw it all!” He gets louder and throws his ugly tie across the lawn. That gets a small laugh out of me.

“Let’s get out of here. I don’t want to sit on their stupid lawn anymore.” Peeta tries to help wipe the makeup from my eyes but he probably just smeares it more.

Before we can get up I hear a loud “Oooo!” I look up and see two women, decked out in capitol garb. “How scandalous!” For a moment I think they may have heard what we said. Then I see Peeta blush and start to try to explain. I suddenly realize what this probably looks like, with some of our clothes thrown about and me looking like an absolute mess. I feel horrified and embarassed. I get up and just start to run, thankful I threw my shoes and ripped the restrictive dress. I can hear Peeta running behind me.

The women giggle and yell after us. “Don’t worry darlings we won’t tell.”

I reach the suite a couple of minutes before Peeta does, I think he purposefully ran slower to give me space. I run into my bedroom and slam the door, getting undressed and stepping into the shower. I need some alone time. When I get out he is waiting in the living room in his loungewear. I guess he also decided he needed out of that ridiculous getup and makeup as soon as possible.

Before I can say anything to him Effie storms in. “You two! Where is Haymitch? He clearly wasn’t there when you were causing a scandal, and right outside your own party! You should be ashamed.” So much for not telling anyone.

Haymitch is there and to the rescue again. “Effie leave the kids alone.” Effie tries to interrupt but he cuts her off. “I paid off those women. Just give it a rest. They had a long day. And we have to get onto the train now to go back to 12.”

Effie doesn’t look like she’s done, but Haymitch makes a good point about sticking to her schedule so she ushers us out and onto the train. Before she can continue her fight I am in my room.

Peeta follows shortly after. I thought he might not because of the awkwardness of earlier, but I’m glad he does. We definitely both need to avoid nightmares tonight. Peeta is fast asleep within a couple of moments. I don’t snuggle against him like I normally do, and I don’t sleep. All I can do is stare at the ceiling and think about President Snow’s threat. How am I to save my family? Gale? What about Peeta’s family? Peeta? I sit up for hours. Then I finally know what I have to do, to save everyone.


	5. Lack of Understanding

I have to find Gale, and fast. I came to the realization last night on the train that there is nothing I can do to protect my family, at least not with Snow around. So I have to revisit Gale and I’s old plan.

The minute the train stops in 12 I take my bag and start running. I run straight to Gale’s house. His mother, Hazelle, tells me he is still at work in the mines. I thank her before taking off again. I run through the streets towards the mines. I can see all the workers have just gotten off and are heading home. I scan the crowd anxiously for Gale. When I spot him I jog towards him. I can see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes when he sees me. But I run up to hug him anyway. I need his support. I revel in the hug for a moment before whispering in his ear, “We need to talk.” I let go and lead him towards the forest.

“You’re going to need these.” I hand Gale a pair of gloves Cinna had given me. They’re super warm and will help Gale in the woods. “We need to run away. Now.” I tell him as we sit down in the grass right between the fences and where the woods start.

“Where are we supposed to run away?” He asks me.

“Into the woods, like we always talked about. We leave right now. We can be far away from here by tonight.” I tell him. I had been thinking about this all last night.

“Yeah, who’s we? You, me, and your fiancé?” He asks bitterly. He’s acting like a child. He knows I had to do anything to survive. I choose to ignore his words.

“It’s not just me and Peeta anymore.”  I take a moment before finishing my thought. “Snow threatened to have you killed.” That seems to make Gale take this more seriously. He pauses for a moment before responding.

“Anyone else?”

“Well he didn’t exactly give me a copy of the list, but a good guess says it includes both of our families.”

“Unless what? You and Peeta get married.” And Gale is back to the bitterness. Why can’t he pay attention to the seriousness of this conversation?

“Unless nothing now. Gale, we can do it. You said yourself the morning of the reaping.” I stare at him, trying to figure out what he’s thinking. “What do you say now?" 

“Do you love me?” He asks staring straight at me. I have known Gale almost my whole life. He’s my best friend. He isn’t one for talking about feelings, neither am I. That’s probably one of the reasons we always get along so well. But Gale also doesn’t play around with them. I know he’s serious and wants a serious answer.

“Gale, you know how I feel about you. But I can’t think about anyone that way right now. The only thing I can think about, every day, every waking moment since the reaping is how afraid I am. There’s no room for anything else. But maybe if we got away from here, if we went somewhere safe, it could be different. I could be different.” He’s supposed to be my best friend. How can he not understand what I’m going through? Why can’t he grasp how serious this is? How much danger everyone is in. I’ll say anything to make him understand if I can.

“Do you think maybe the President is bluffing?”

“He’s not bluffing. Not with what’s going on in the Districts.” I tell him.

“What did you see?” Gale asks me, animated.

I describe it all to him. I don’t want to; I know it will only fuel his fire of rebellion. But I don’t have a choice after I just let that slip. “People fighting in the streets. Fires and peacekeepers were gunning them down. But the people were…” I’m so caught up in the horrors that I saw until Gale interrupts me. 

“The people were what?” He questions excitedly.

“They were fighting back.”

Gale looks around shocked. He seems caught up in his thoughts. “It’s happening,” slips out of his mouth as he stares off into the distance in wonder. “Its finally happening.”

“I should’ve just eaten the berries in the arena and died like I was supposed to. Then everything would be back to normal and everyone would be safe.” I feel so guilty. This is all my fault and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.

“Safe for what?” Gale asks me, his voice laced with anger. “To starve? Work like slaves? Send their kids to the reaping? You haven’t hurt people Katniss. You’ve given them an opportunity. They just have to be brave enough to take it. There’s already talk in the mines. People want to fight.”

How can he not understand? This whole thing is dangerous and will just get a bunch of people hurt, like in 13. “We have to go Gale, before they kill us. They will kill us.”

“What about the other families? Huh? The ones who stay. What happens to them? People are looking to you Katniss.”

I’m really angry now. “I don’t want anyone looking to me. I can’t help them.” 

“You do what you want. I’m staying here. And take these back. I don’t want your fiancé’s stupid gloves.” Gale throws them at my feet.

I’m so shocked I don’t know what to do or say. All I can come up with is, “They aren’t Peeta’s. They’re Cinna’s.”

Gale just glares at me. “I don’t want anything made from the capitol Katniss.” Gale gets up and leaves. I can’t help but wonder if he isn’t just talking about the gloves. Is he also referring to me? _Have I become a product of the capitol in his eyes?_

I’m so confused and hurt. I get up and run home, bumping straight into Peeta. He can tell I’m in shambles. He grabs me by the arms. “Katniss, what’s wrong? Come on, walk with me to the bakery.”

“We have to get out of here. Run away.” I tell him in a frantic whisper as we walk, hoping no one is spying on us.

“Okay.” That’s it. No questions. No demanding an explanation. He is just there. I stop short and surprise him by hugging him tightly. He lets go and just smiles. Then we continue on walking.

As we pass the town square we see it is tightly packed, clearly something is going on. But it will be near impossible to make it to the front. Peeta gets a box and gets up on top of it to see over the crowd. I take his hand to join him up on the box when he pushes me back. “Go home Katniss! I’ll be back in a minute.” 

I ignore his words; I know something is wrong. I forcefully push my way through the crowd. It’s like trying to run in water, it’s so packed. I finally make it into the clearing at the center of the square. Gale is tied to a post and the head Peacekeeper is whipping him mercilessly on the back. His whole back is dripping with blood and he looks dangerously close to losing consciousness. I don’t take a moment to think before I push my way through the crowd and run to put myself between Gale and the peacekeeper. “No!”

Before I can get another word out the peacekeeper punches me straight in the face and I go down. It is extremely painful and I have to clutch my face and curl up for a moment. But that doesn’t stop the peacekeeper from continuing his lashings on Gale. 

Gale looks down at me panting, “Katniss, it’s okay. Just go.” I get up onto my feet, but not to leave. Once again I place myself firmly between the peacekeeper and Gale.

Haymitch descends upon the scene in a flash. “Whoa whoa whoa.” He runs in with his hands up in surrender. Haymitch tries to reason with the Peacekeeper and calm him down. But for every step forward in the conversation we seem to take a step back. Then Peeta runs into the mix, standing in front of me.

“What business is this of hers anyway?” The peacekeeper is starting to realize just whom he is attacking.

Peeta, who is holding me up, stands in front of me. “He’s her _cousin_. And she’s _my_ fiancé. So if you want to get to him, expect to go through me first.”

Haymitch steps in again and is able to calm down the peacekeeper enough to let us go. But the peacekeeper is clearly not happy. The moment we are released Peeta helps me take Gale off the post. Haymitch, Peeta, and I carry Gale as gingerly as we can, at as fast a pace as we can, back to my house.

We get him into the house and my mother and Prim immediately clear the kitchen table and start to work. They weave in and out of each other, ordering the rest of us around. Peeta goes outside to grab some snow. I’m in shock. Gale never cries, ever. Yet here he is. I have never seen him in pain like this. 

Peeta comes back in. He gently leads me into a chair and starts to apply the ice to my eye. I try to crane my neck around him to see what’s going on with Gale. My mom pours some sort of liquid on his back and he starts to moan some more. I’m paralyzed with fear. 

“What is that, you’re hurting him!” My mother ignores my words and keeps on working. I feel so helpless. I watch on as Prim helps steadily and emotionless. She seems like such a professional, such an adult. _Where has my innocent baby sister gone?_

When they have stabilized Gale everyone clears out of the house. But, I refuse to leave his side. I watch as he peacefully escapes his pain with sleep. Like this, Gale looks like his normal self. Not his healthy self, but the way he used to be before I entered the first games. Something has changed in him recently. Gale is hotheaded and rebellious, more then normal. He’s angry. And there is a layer of hurt underneath all that. I want my old Gale back. The one who understood me like nobody else, and I him. But it just doesn’t seem to be that way anymore. These last games have changed everything. I brush the hair out of his face, staring at it. _Maybe_? Out of curiosity I lean in and gently kiss him.

Things just aren’t the same. Nothing I do will change that. This distresses me. But I don’t have time to think because my actions have stirred him awake. “Hey Katnip.” He breathes out. He sounds like old him. If I’m going to lose everything, I refuse to lose my friendship with him. Even if things have changed between us, Gale is still my oldest friend. Maybe one day I’ll be normal enough for us to be able to understand each other again. But I know that won’t happen. So I settle for trying to be normal. “Hey.” I respond back.

“Thought you’d be gone by now.”

I shake my head and whisper, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m guna stay right here. Cause all kinds of trouble.”

He smiles. “Me too.”

I only sleep for a couple of hours. I wake to the sound of Peeta’s voice. “Hey.” That sound has become such a comfort for me that I almost smile when I look up at him. But I know him well enough now to see that he is trying to mask hurt. Surprisingly I feel guilty, even though I have absolutely no reason to. I am helping a friend, my oldest friend. Plus I don’t owe Peeta anything. But something in me hates to see him hurt, probably because I share so much of his hurt.

“If you wanna get some rest I can look after him for awhile.” Peeta tells me. _How is he so endlessly empathetic?_ And such a good friend. I do need some sleep. Not that I’ll probably get much with my nightmares still raging. But I take his offer and trudge tiredly upstairs.


	6. Introducing the 75th Quarter Quell

Things have gotten bad in the district since Gale’s whipping and the arrival of Thread. Everyone is scared. The Hob is shut down, no one is letting Hazelle do their laundry, the streets are bare for most of the day, and the weather has been awful. There is 4 feet of snow on the ground. No one has been in the woods. Not even Gale. But this morning I do. 

I spend all day in the woods. The Quarter Quell announcement is coming soon. I’m on edge about it all week. _How can I be a mentor?_ Yes I won, but just barely and with luck and good friends. How can I even begin to shoulder being responsible for another two people’s deaths, and every year?! The Quarter Quell is also meant to be special. What if Snow decides to pick our families? I’ll have tried to save Prim for nothing. The thought brings tears to my eyes.

Before I know it it’s getting late. I walk back to the edge of the forest to go home. As I get close to the fence I hear a buzz. A buzz that I have never heard before. But I know what it is. _The fence is live._ I retreat back to the forest because I don’t know what else to do. _Focus. The snow is piled up high on the other side of the fence. I’m sure if I fall into it it won’t be that bad._ I try to climb the tree nearest me but it isn’t high enough. If I fall on top of the fence I’m a goner. The next tree will allow me to make it over. I don’t think I’ll die. The snow bank will save me. But I probably won’t walk away without injuries. It’s better then being caught by the peacekeepers though. So I take a breath and jump down into the snow bank. I land on my left foot pretty badly. I think it is at least sprained. And my butt is killing me.

I walk into my home to see Peacekeepers are already there. I thought no one had seen me. But I could be wrong. I have to walk all the way from the front door to the island in my kitchen like there is nothing wrong with my foot. Peeta and Haymitch are also there, which is not a good sign. But I’m glad they are because they help me convince the peacekeepers that I was just out on a walk around town through confusing conversation and teasing me.

The minute the peacekeepers leave, not being able to pin me for anything, my mom gets to work wrapping my foot. Peeta offers to bring me up to bed. No one protests so he picks me up and brings me upstairs. As usual, he’s such a gentlemen. He puts me down on my bed and tucks me in.

I look up at him. “I don’t know how we’re going to do this? I can’t be a mentor.”

“Yes you can. You’re the reason we survived that game. You tried to help so many people. You’re smart and you have so many skills. It’s going to be hard, but we can do this together.”

“Okay.” I don’t know what else to say because I am emotionally drained. So I just drift off to sleep.

For the next week Peeta comes over almost every day. He brings cheese buns after he finds out that I like them. He carries me downstairs every day to start work on a memory book to help us heal. It’s calming for me, watching Peeta work. He’s a fantastic artist and the way his hand moves across the canvas is beautiful. His face bares an intense look, not his normal easy expression. He catches me staring once and tells me this is the first normal thing we’ve done together. I’m grateful he doesn’t bring up my staring. 

The next day is the announcement of the Quarter Quell. I try not to snap at them all day but I probably end up failing at points. When we finally sit down in the living room to watch President Snow’s address I am restless. I can’t sit still. My mind is reeling.

I stare at Snow with a scowl as he speaks. “And now, on this the 75th anniversary of our defeat of the rebellion, we celebrate the 3rd Quarter Quell. As a reminder that even the strongest cannot overcome the power of the capitol…” Something isn’t right. I lean forward on the couch without realizing it. I have this awful pit in my stomach. Something is wrong. “On this, the 3rd Quarter Quell Games, the male and female tributes are to be reaped from the existing pool of victors from each district.” 

I get up and start to leave. All the emotion drains out of me at once to have everything come flooding back and hit me like a train a second later. I am going to die. This is the end. Snow has finally found a way to kill me without directly murdering me. I ignore my mother’s cries as I slam the door open and start to run. I am hysterical and can barely stand up. I only make it to my front porch when I lose it. I cry until there is nothing left in me. I sit there for hours until one word, one name, flashed into my mind. “Peeta.”

I take off running again. Straight for Haymitch’s house. I walk into his living room to see him sitting with a bottle in hand, typical. “Ahh, there she is! Finally did the math huh? And you’ve come to what? Ask me to… die?”

“I’m here to drink.” I tell him, sitting down and grabbing the bottle of whisky right from his hand.

“Finally something I can help you with.” He half-jokes as I take a giant swig. 

“What’s it say that Peeta was here 45 minutes ago begging to save your life, and you only just now show up?”

It doesn’t even take me a beat to respond. “It means that we have to save him.”

Haymitch looks at me so seriously, incredulous. “You could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve that boy.”

“Come on Haymitch. Nobody decent ever wins the games.” I respond. I definitely feel that way about myself.

“Nobody ever wins the games. Period. There are survivors. There’s no winners.” Haymitch is almost reflecting rather then lecturing. But that is beside the point.

“Peeta has to survive. We have to do whatever it takes to save him.”

Haymitch sighs, “Alright. If… if they call his name I’ll volunteer in his place.” 

“Thank you.” I say earnestly.

“But! If they call my name and Peeta volunteers, there’s nothing I can do.” Haymitch points out.

His statement hits me. I hadn’t really thought about that. But Peetahas to win. “You’re guna help him in the arena, like you did for me.”

Haymitch sighs again. “I think these games are going to be different.”

“I don’t care. Do whatever you can. Peeta lives, not me. Promise me.” I say seriously.

“Okay.” Haymitch agrees.

Peeta is serious and assertive the next time Haymitch and I see him. He throws away all of Haymitch’s alcohol and pays anyone off in the town who might give him more. He gets us on a strict training schedule. Haymitch isn’t doing so well, but Peeta and I are thriving going into reaping day. I might have a good chance of being able to protect him if things go unfavorably at the reaping.

This morning I go to say my last goodbye to Gale. We meet in our usual spot between the fence and the meadow. An air of eerie quiet surrounds us as we sat next to each other, neither of us daring to look up. Today I feel like stone. I’m not going to cry, and I am proud of that for Gale’s sake. I feel bad I couldn’t give him everything he wanted and that we have drifted. But it is no use feeling bad now, soon I won’t be able to feel anything ever again. I just need to give him a short and closed goodbye. Hopefully he’ll move on and have a happy life. Hopefully my actions won’t continue to haunt him, and everyone else I love, once I’m gone.

“We should’ve gone when you said.” Gale is barely audible.

I look up at him and lean in, giving him one last kiss goodbye. I linger for a moment before getting up without a word and walking off.

Peeta, Haymitch, and I are marched into the town square at noon, surrounded by peacekeepers. We all resolve to be strong and not show emotion. The whole square is somber. As we walk up the stairs to the stage I notice that even Effie seems upset. She can barely smile and looks on the verge of tears. This is more real emotion then I have ever seen before from her.  We make eye contact when she calls my name, the saddest disposition I have ever seen is etched on her face.

She walks over to the boys bowl and my emotions start to rise. I feel anxious, though my facial expression stays strong and doesn’t betray me. _She has to call Peeta’s name so Haymitch can volunteer. She just has to_. If anything good can come out of this day it has to be that Peeta remains safe. He doesn’t deserve this and it is entirely my fault he’s in this mess.

I look over at Haymitch and he gives me a nod, letting me know he will uphold his end of our bargain. At least I can count on that. Effie reaches her hand into the male tribute bowl and pulls out a piece of paper. The seconds it takes her to walk back to the microphone feel like an eternity. “The male tribute from District 12,” Effie gives a short sigh, “Haymitch Abernathy.” With that I lose it. My face betrays me and panic washes over my expression. 

As expected Peeta steps forward, “I volunteer as tribute.” His words are strong and he is clearly resolved about his decision. Haymitch grips onto Peeta’s forearm tight and tries to pull him back. A few hushed words are exchanged before Peeta breaks loose and comes to stand on the other side of Effie. A single tear rolls down my cheek. Now there is no chance of me surviving this. Peeta has to win. I still will do anything to save him. The whole town square is still before, led by my mother and sister, everyone raises the 3-finger salute. Peeta and I respond with our own salute. Then they drag us off to the train. We aren’t allowed to say goodbye this time. I scream after Prim the best goodbye I can give her before I am torn away from her forever.


	7. Changes

The mood on the train is the same as it was in the square, somber. We all sit in silence in the living car. Haymitch of course is drinking. But Peeta and I just stare, caught up in our own thoughts. Effie comes in and breaks the silence.

"Alright. Before we begin, I've had a thought." She tells us.

"You don't say," Haymitch quips back.

"Katniss has her gold mockingjay pin, I have my hair. I'm going to get you two boys something gold." Effie states as if it was the most brilliant thing she's ever said. Even Peeta doesn't seem to be able to muster up any bit of indulging for her.

Haymitch is actually the one to humor her. "Why is that?"

"A token! Show them we are a team…And they can't just…" She starts to get choked up and I understand why she is doing this. And why she acted the way she did at the reaping a few hours ago. She actually truly cares for us. Maybe she isn't as superficial as I always assumed. "Thank you." I take her hand comfortingly.

Later that evening I find myself sitting up in bed at an unusual hour for me. And not from a nightmare, I haven't even gotten to sleep yet. My anxiety is through the roof but it is more then that. I realize its Peeta. While I haven't sleep with him at all in months, besides that one time, back in 12; the bed on this train doesn't feel right without him. I don't feel safe; and considering the circumstance we're now in, my nightmares have gotten so much worse. I can only assume that his have too. So why isn't he here?

I wrack my brain and try to fight the urge. But I can't. I find him in the living compartment watching old tapes of the games. He looks up when he sees me come in. "Couldn't sleep?"

 _Of course not, not without you._ I want to say, but I don't.

Peeta holds out his arms for me to fall into them. I couldn't be more overjoyed. This is the first time since before Gale's lashings that Peeta has shown me any kind of affection. He got especially hard after the announcement of the Quell, going into drill sergeant mode. I'm half afraid he is going to order me to do sit-ups the minute I fall into his arms. So I cling tight, reveling in the feel of his lips against my neck. He obviously isn't kissing my neck, but just the soft damp feel of them against my skin feels amazing. I don't feel guilty at all like I used to. I said my goodbyes to Gale. It is freeing.

I move back to kiss Peeta. I miss being close to him. This is the first time we're kissing without the cameras. Although I can tell Peeta is slightly confused by the way his brows are knitted slightly towards each other, he kisses me back. My arms rest around his neck and I pull him closer. His chest feels warm and comforting and I just revel in it. The kiss is sweet and it feels almost like a hug. I feel so protected and safe. I don't want this compassion to end considering how much it has been lacking in my life.

The only thing that breaks us apart is a capitol attendant coming in to bring us some warm milk. I blush as we pull apart, but don't move out of Peeta's arms. Instead I settle into them.

We start to discuss the games and our opponents. We agree that the capitol is going to be angry that their favorites are back in the games. I note that Peeta has been watching the games of victors that we might face.

"So which ones next?" I ask.

Peeta smiles playfully, "your choice."

I go through the box and land on Haymitch's, the 50th Quarter Quell. "We've never watched this. I think we should. We don't have to tell Haymitch. But it's the only Quell tape we have and I think it would be good to see one."

Peeta agrees so we pop the tape in. I notice my mother and Madge's mother and Aunt at the reaping. Her aunt gets chosen along with Haymitch. We watch tributes go down in large groups until Haymitch is left to face the girl from District 1, who is definitely an equal match for him both in size and speed. They both develop what should be fatal injuries as they stumble towards a cliff. We had seen Haymitch figure out earlier that the force field at the bottom of the cliff flew objects back up at you. So when the girl throws her axe at Haymitch he ducks; and it bounces right back into her face. Haymitch's stunt with the force field is almost as bad as the berries. The capitol definitely hadn't expected that. Maybe our two minds put together can save Peeta.

Peeta and I go to bed after that, both a bit shocked and impressed at what we have just seen from Haymitch. As always Peeta goes to sleep right away. But the minute I close my eyes I am battling nightmares until I shoot right back into consciousness. Peeta feels me stir and wakes up to pull me in. When I've calmed down I turn to him seriously, "Why don't you have any nightmares."

"I do." He responds.

"Well, you should wake me up next time." I say, looking into his eyes. He gives me a small smile and agrees before pulling us both back down into sleep.

By the time we awake we are in the capitol. Effie doesn't even lecture us on appearances or how inappropriate our sleeping predicament is. Something has changed in her. She is very sympathetic behind the smile and the cheery voice she has to put on in public. She almost becomes like a second mentor, letting us know all the ways the capitol has been preparing for the Quell and how we should socialize with the other tributes.

Haymitch also has a lot to say about the other victors. He wants us to make alliances. Peeta is ready and diligently taking notes. He's different then last year. This year he's taking charge. But I still won't agree to allies. I only trust Peeta. I believe we can do this on our own. Anyone else will just get in our way and make us vulnerable. But Peeta insists so I give up.  _Anything to keep him alive_ , which Haymitch is heavily hinting that making alliances will do. So Peeta and I sit down with him to get debriefed on all the other tributes.

The next day is the chariot ride, probably my least favorite event of the pregame itinerary. I hate being paraded around like a painted monkey. "Katniss." I hear someone call my name and I turn around. "Finnick." Practically prancing towards me shirtless, tan, and smiling. For alliances sake, more like Peeta's; I try to engage in light conversation. But he has this gleam behind his eyes, especially as he asks to know my secrets. Almost as if he has one himself. It makes me terribly uneasy, especially when he gets so close to me. He insinuates that he knows Peeta and I's relationship is a ruse. Is it possible he's working with Snow?

Thankfully Peeta saves me by walking over. While Peeta is obviously smaller then Finnick, he has this new air about him that is self-assured. Almost I would be afraid to mess with him. And Finnick obviously doesn't want to so he steps away.

But as threatening as Peeta's glare towards Finnick is, when he turns to me it is back to being sweet. "What did he want?" Peeta inquires.

"To know all my secrets." I laugh, remembering our conversation back on the train not so long ago.

Peeta catches on and laughs back. "He'll have to get in line." I give Peeta a genuine smile because I am struck with the thought that I wouldn't want to be here with anyone else. Peeta has become my rock and… my best friend in such a short time. I am lucky to have him. And I am going to protect him until I die. I am going to make sure he wins these games because Haymitch was right. I could live a thousand years a never deserve him. But he deserves to live a thousand years if he can. I want him to have that chance. He's too good not to.

"Do you think we would've ended up like Finnick if just one of us had one?" Peeta muses.

"You definitely would have. You have a weakness for beautiful things and I don't." I joke with him.

"Having an eye for beauty is not the same thing as being weak." Peeta states. "Except maybe when it comes to you." My hand finds Peeta's almost without thinking as the horses start pulling our chariot. Peeta and I follow Cinna's orders happily and look off into the distance. I set our costumes ablaze. As we pass President Snow I stare him down, not wavering for a second. I am calling him out. I want him to know that I have it out for him and he isn't going to get away with this. I won't let him have control of me after what he has done. Throwing Peeta back into the games crossed the line. And he knows. I can see it in his eyes.

I am so happy to step off that chariot and go back to wash off all the makeup that is caked onto my face. But of course Haymitch has other plans. He wants us to meet all his tribute friends, which apparently includes having my mouth assaulted by Chaff from 11. When we have made our rounds we step into the elevator, finally free.  _All these tributes are fucking crazy_. And my point is only about to be made more clear as Johanna Mason steps onto the elevator after us.

"You guys look amazing." She starts off as she pulls pins out of her hair. She has the right idea. I can't wait to get out of this costume.

"Thank you." I try to be friendly but I am cut off.

"My stylist is such an idiot. District 7. Lumber. Trees." She punctuates everything by discarding all her jewelry onto the elevator ground. "I'd love to put my axe in her face." I give Haymitch a look. She certainly is violent.

"So what do you think? Now that the whole world wants to sleep with you?" She's ridiculous. As if that is even a thing I have time to think about, never mind entertain. And it is quite vulgar of her to say. I try to push my embarrassment down with sarcasm.

"Pssh. I don't think that the whole world…" I start but she cuts me off.

"I wasn't talking to you." She bites.

"Okay." I roll my eyes.  _Nut job_.

She looks straight at Peeta then turns. "Will you unzip?"

"Yea." Peeta almost squeaks out. I fume. Is he serious? Are we not listening to the same crazy girl here? I give him a look and he just shrugs back at me.

He gives her a small smile when he finishes unzipping her dress. That is before he realizes she has turned around to face us and pulls her dress completely off. I watch his eyes drift down to her chest for a moment before looking away, his shocked expression still plastered on. He looks back at her as she steps out of her dress.

I, on the other hand, am horrified. I look straight up the whole time. I'm shamed for her and mortified at everything that has just transpired. I am so angry with Peeta and embarrassed.  _Isn't he ashamed to be blatantly looking at Johanna's… her… her parts!? When he's supposed to be keeping up our star-crossed lovers angle!_ Peeta looks like he is suppressing a grin as Johanna finally gets off the elevator. He burst out laughing once she's out of earshot. I rip my hand from his as we walk into our suite, annoyed.

"What?!" I raise my voice, I'm seething.

"It's you Katniss. Can't you see?"

I'm so angry that I'm considering changing my plans for the arena. "What's me?"

"Why they're all acting like this. Finnick, and Chaff kissing you, and Johanna stripping down. They're messing with you because you're so… so you know."

"No, I really don't know." I really have no idea what he is talking about. But I play it off by letting sarcasm drip through my voice.

"You're so pure." He finally lets it out.

I gape at him. "I am not! Would someone pure be practically ripping your clothes off every time there's a camera on us for the past year!"

Peeta sees that he has actually upset me and he tries to dial things back. "I mean for the capitol you're pure. You're perfect to me. Don't worry. They're just teasing you."

"No, they're laughing at me and so are you!" I storm off to my room. I ignore everyone for the rest of the night. I sit down on my bed.  _Peeta has always been unbetrayingly at my side. I thought we had become such a unit. More then that, we are the only ones who understand each other. If I'm honest with myself I have probably taken his loyalty for granted. Maybe he's attracted to Johanna? That is allowed, in private of course. And he is a teenage boy. He's bound to have those feelings. Why does he see me as pure? Is it because he isn't? That thought just makes me angry and unnerves me. I just need Peeta in my life. He keeps me grounded. I don't want to lose him to someone else, especially someone like her._

Before I can continue to try to figure out what's going, Peeta knocks. But I ignore him. I'm not ready to speak with him. He's hurt my feelings. So I just lay down and go to sleep.


	8. Love is a Battlefield

Peeta and I walk to the training center hand in hand. Even though I ignored him last night, we still need to look like a united front. Weakness in front of the other tributes is not an option. Right before we enter, Peeta turns to me. “Today is all about making allies.”

I look around. The first thing I see is the morphling girl violently puking on the ground. I make a disgusted face. “So far I’m not overwhelmed with our options.”

“I guess we gotta figure out who we trust least and work our way backwards from there.”

Peeta and I walk apart starting to survey our options. The first thing my eyes fall on is the careers, definitely not an option. Then there’s Johanna, naked again and rubbing herself up with oil for a wrestling match. She stares at us with a creepy smile. Crazy pants is definitely not an option.

Wiress and Beetee are off in a corner trying to make fire. So I go over to them. At least they aren’t threatening and their knowledge could be useful. After I finish speaking with them about force fields I feel I might be able to trust them. I move on to try to find another non-threatening person in the room, knowing Haymitch will want results. 

My eyes land on Mags from District 7, the frail old women whom Haymitch seems to have a soft spot for. She seems like a kind lady. The only problem is Finnick. I don’t trust him. But my options aren’t overwhelming. Mags is making a fishhook. I don’t know how helpful that would be, but I think trading skills might be a good way to form an alliance with her if I want to.

As I finish my fishhook, instructed by Mags, I look up to see Peeta training with Johanna. She’s teaching him how to swing an axe. Anger boils up in the pit of my stomach. She’s absolutely insane. _How does he expect to trust her?!_ Peeta can’t let his hormones get in the way. _No matter what he says later I refuse to align with her._ She is unstable and untrustworthy. I’m trying to keep him alive and he’s just going to have to see that.

I can’t look anymore because it’s making me too angry, so I suggest to Mags that we go train in the archery room. She doesn’t want to go in with me so I decided this is as good a time as any to release my pent-up anger.  I don’t miss a single shot. When I’m done I looked out to see everyone has been watching me, including Johanna. And she looks pissed. _Good._

We all break for lunch before individual assessment. I look around and have no idea who to sit with. Back at school I usually sat by myself, being that Gale and I had separate lunch times. But as I go to do that Peeta insists that I come sit and socialize with everyone.

“How’s your day been?” Peeta asks.

“Good. I like the District 3 tributes.” I tell him. He looks at me. “Johanna calls them nuts and bolts.” With the mention of her name I am suddenly as angry as I was last night.

“So I’m stupid for thinking they might be useful just because of what Johanna said.” I seethe. 

“What are you so angry about?” Peeta stares at me as if his gaze can pull an answer out of me. “Is this because we teased you in the elevator? I’m sorry. I thought you would just laugh about it.” 

I don’t feel like talking about it anymore so I put on my most convincing face, “Forget it.”

I can tell Peeta doesn’t totally believe me but he consents to drop it. He probably doesn’t know what to say anymore. Which is fine because we’ve reached the table anyway.

Right before we sit down he whispers in my ear, “Don’t worry, I won’t let Chaff kiss you again.” I guess it is his way of trying to amend things.

Peeta keeps his word and I actually end up enjoying my time at the table. The other tributes really aren’t that bad and we have a nice time. After a half an hour they start to call us in one by one for individual assessment. Soon just Peeta and I are left; being from District 12 we always go last. Peeta gently takes my hands to hold them, trying to get me to look at him. There is no point in fighting right now so I give him a small smile.

“I have no idea what to do for assessment.” I confess. _  
_

“Me neither.” Peeta sighs. “What am I going to do? Bake them a cake?” We share a small laugh.

They call Peeta in and I am left to wait it out on my own, with my thoughts, until they call me in. When I walk in everyone looks angry. I don’t know what Peeta did but he clearly pissed them off. Plutarch looks sick to his stomach. It isn’t until I accidentally step on Peeta’s talent that I realize what he has done.

My breath catches in the back of my throat. I gasp. There on the ground is the most beautiful oil painting of Rue. Just the way I laid her to rest, with flowers surrounding her body like a halo. She looks so peaceful, if I didn’t know what had happened I’d have thought that she was just sleeping. I have to hold back tears. _Peeta_. Peeta did this. He stuck it to the gamemakers in the most brilliant and beautiful way. He forced them to face what they had done to that poor innocent girl among countless other innocent children.

He did this for us, for me. My heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest. I want so desperately to contain it, especially right here. I don’t know how to deal with how I’ve been feeling lately. But in this moment I can’t escape it. _I have feelings for Peeta. Romantic feelings for Peeta._  

I couldn’t have had any worse timing. I definitely have been standing here in shock for at least the last minute. I shake my head and go to work on my skill. Peeta did this for us. To stick it to the gamemakers for all the shit they’ve done to us. And now it’s my turn. In that moment I know what my skill will be, killing gamemakers. I hang up a dummy and write on it in berry juice, Seneca Crane.

The gamemakers reactions are satisfying. Some gasp and some drop their wine glasses to the ground. I take a bow and walk out, feeling exhilarated.

The minute I get back to the apartment Effie and Haymitch have a million questions about how our assessments went. To Haymitch and Effie’s shock and dismay, we both tell them what we did for our assessments. 

“You’d have thought we planned it.” Peeta smiles.

“And Haymitch.” Peeta starts, gently taking my hand. “We don’t want an allies. If you’ll excuse us we’re going to retire, it’s been a long day.” 

Peeta is making it clear that we are a united front. I can tell it’s probably to make up for our fight last night. But I follow him into my bedroom anyway. There is no point in us fighting when we only have two days left.

He turns to me after closing the door. “Katniss listen. I’m really sorry I upset you last night. I honestly didn’t mean to. You have to know I’m with you. I’m on your side.”

“I know.” I pause, not sure if I should continue. But I feel like I should. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I’m sorry.”

Peeta pulls me down onto the bed and holds me in his arms. I rest my head on Peeta’s chest and wrap my arms around his neck. He slides his hands up my back and kisses my cheek.

“I fear I made things worse today.” I say into his shirt. 

“No worse then I did.” I can feel Peeta’s chest rise with his chuckle. “Why’d you do it anyway?”

“I don’t know. I just didn’t want to be another piece in their games.” I eco my conversation with Peeta from right before the last games, finally understanding what he meant. “So what should we do with the rest of our days?”

“I just want to spend every moment of the rest of my life with you,” Peeta replies. It’s so blatant that I have to lift my head up off his chest to look at him. Normally this kind of talk would make me feel guilty and uncomfortable. But after my forced internal confession in the assessment room it just comforts me.

It makes me wonder if I should even bother to tell him. I know I’m dying in the arena. _Would it just hurt him more to know and then lose me?_ Or am I being awful by withholding my feelings from him after he has cared about me for so long?

Before I can decide what to do I feel his breathing start to even out. I lay there in the dark trying to muster up the courage to do something. I can’t just sit here. But what do I say? I’ve never been any good with words.

I hesitate for a second before slowly inching my way up to kiss Peeta’s neck lightly. I have to shift my body up to give him a real kiss and that’s when he rouses from his half-sleep state. I kiss him before I lose my nerve. He kisses me back and his hand slowly trails up from its resting position to touch my cheek. But the moment that his hand makes contact with my face its like my face is on fire. He jerks his hand back and breaks the kiss, sitting up and bringing me along with him.

“Katniss, I ignored this yesterday but you need to tell me what’s going on?” He holds me, but with enough space that he can really look at me and try to read my expressions. He touches my face, this time not pulling away suddenly, and rubs his thumb over my cheek sweetly. 

I have no idea how to begin or even if I should. I’m not good with words but I think I’m scared to try to kiss him again.

“Peeta I…” I stop, not sure what to say. I just cant. I lean in to kiss him again. This time I’m more aggressive about it, trying to pour what I mean to say into it. Hopefully I can overpower his reservations long enough for him to understand what I am trying to tell him.

It works. I practically jump on him, kissing his mouth and grabbing his hair in the back. I lean into his body. Peeta is slightly reserved for a moment before something within him kicks in and he starts to run the back of his fingers up and down my back. He isn’t as rough as I am, but he is matching my passion. Kind of like our personalities. We revel in the kiss for a couple of minutes before he stops kissing me, but remains just as close with our foreheads touching.

“Katniss…” His eyes are dilated and he is slightly out of breath. “Tell me this isn’t you trying to prove something, because of our fight. I’m with you I promise.” 

I stare straight into his eyes, my unusual confidence towards the topic of feelings scaring even me, as I answer. “It’s not.” This seems to be enough for him because he’s the one who initiates the kiss this time. He pulls me back in and suddenly we’re both ablaze, nothing is enough for us.

I turn to lower myself back onto the bed, pulling him down with me until he’s hovering over me. Peeta, being the gentlemen that he is, tries to hover above me using his forearm strength. We’re entering new territory.  I had never thought I would be this person. I was never interested in physical intimacy. But with Peeta, lately, his kisses have left me wanting more. All the emotions that have been bombarding me, with Peeta and the games, leave me with a wanting to just succumb to feeling. It’s now or never anyway because I’m probably going to die soon. So I let my instincts take over, hoping Peeta will understand.

As Peeta’s hand trails down the right side of my body I can feel how strained it feels. Like he’s trying not to do anything he shouldn’t. I place my hand over Peeta’s and trail back up my body with him, making him touch me more deliberately. I can feel him start to relax so I let go and move my hands to his hips. My thumbs caress his hipbones under his shirt. I’m surprising even myself by being so forward. But I guess these new emotions for Peeta and all the other emotions weighing on me are making me toss my “innocence” aside a bit.

His mouth releases from mine and I know he’s about to say something, but I don’t want to stop. So I dive straight for his neck and start to suck and kiss. His grip on my hip tightens and he lets out the tiniest gasp. I see his body shiver ever so slightly. I have to bite back my smile. I’m not opposed to that reaction. 

“Katniss I…” Peeta tries to start. But I cut him off with another kiss, pressing my body against his. And that’s when I feel it. I have to stop myself from falling back against the bed in shock. Obviously I _know_ boys get hard from making out like this. I just didn’t expect how good it was going to feel against me. Without even thinking about it I rub my body back up against him and it makes me echo his gasp.

The fog that has been slowly taking over my brain since I started this starts to completely take over. I pull Peeta down and start to rock my hips against him. He pulls his head back from our kiss to stare at me, lids half closed. But his incredulous expression can’t be mistaken. Suddenly it’s too hot, everything is too hot. I bunch my hands up in Peeta’s shirt and start clumsily pushing it up until I manage to get it off. I’m struck by how beautiful he looks. As I’ve seen with my own body you can see the evidence of our training. His muscles standing out in a way they probably hadn’t before the games. But you can also see the scars from the last games. I almost want to cry thinking about how there will be more. I’m shocked at just how much I want to touch him. I reach up and trail my hands down his chest. He stops me at his stomach by taking both of my hands in one of his.

For the first time since I rid him of his shirt I look up at his face. He’s still staring down at me in shock. But the minute my eyes meet his he shakes the expression off and replaces it with a smile. His eyes twinkle like he has a secret as he smiles down at me before he swoops in to kiss me. For the first time he deliberately presses his hips down against me and I feel a jolt of pleasure shoot up through my center. The hardness pressed against me so deliberately _there_ makes me let out a tiny sigh. He looks at me quickly to make sure he hasn’t pushed me or maybe to ponder if its real or not.

I can only stare back up at him in wonder. But whatever he sees in my face must satisfy him because he leans back down close to me and starts to rock steadily. I realize how so far gone we’ve gotten when pants, and gasps, and sighs start to fall steadily out of our mouths. I am definitely louder and if I were in a more lucid state then I would probably be worried about someone overhearing or be embarrassed. But I’m too far gone with a burning that I don’t quite understand.

I notice Peeta has gotten a lot closer then he was before, braced on his forearms our heads are almost touching. It makes all the sounds feel hot against my face and like they’re mixing in with each other. And the friction feels just too good. It feels like heat is pooling up my body from my center and the fog in my brain has become so thick that I can only think about the pleasure I am experiencing and, “Peeta.” The word slips out of my mouth without warning. Peeta seems to groan in response. But all I can focus on is the chasing my body seems to be doing that speeds up with every contact. Until suddenly the whole experience seems to explode. The heat, the pleasure, the fog, and a moan from the back of my throat.

I fall back on the bed and close my eyes. When they finally flutter open I’m so embarrassed. And I don’t even know why. I didn’t realize having an orgasm would feel so vulnerable.

My eyes finally meet Peeta’s and I blush. I can’t believe I just did that. He immediately shifted over to lie next to me, his head propped up on his arm. Only his right hand remains in my personal space, searching for my hand. He’s just smiling at me. The biggest smile I think I’ve ever seen on him. He doesn’t say a word and just smiles at me, waiting for me to process everything. Then he pulls me in and holds me. He doesn’t try to talk to me about what just happened or push for anything more. Although I know a million questions are running through his mind. He just accepts that its something I needed. And hopefully I can get the courage to tell him why, and soon.

He whispers, “I love you” when I’m half-asleep. I nod off without any nightmares that night.

**Author's Note:**

> I believe Suzanne Collins's trilogy "The Hunger Games" was an amazing exploration of society's perverse focus on pain and a nonspecific exploration of political and military issues past and present. It was an extraordinary use of her imagination and writing skills to just create and explore a world and a story full of characters for us, as readers, to enjoy; with focus on their hardships.
> 
> What the Hunger Games was not, was a love story. This manipulation of Suzanne Collins tale is my own exploration of Katniss's feelings for both the important men in her life, and how I believe she ultimately fell in love with Peeta. It is focused on her own discovery of love throughout the series starting with Catching Fire. As the story progresses I will start to take more creative liberties and change the story around a bit (I anticipate to earn its M rating with some fun ;). It is a fanfic after all. But I will try to stay relatively cannon. I would love to hear feedback because I'm always trying to better my writing. I hope you guys enjoy! Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story.
> 
> xxx S.C Kilmartin


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